"No more maybe's"

I watched her.  I watched from inside.  Peered from above.  And listened intently, because I knew something would protrude its way from under her staccato'd breathing.  But it didn't.  Maybe she never saw me.  Maybe the daze caught her for too long.  Took away her capabilities, just like it took mine.  I watched her.  She never moved.  Never.  Not once.  And I listened.  She said nothing.  I wondered when her actions would take place, but they didn't.  When those sharp pains subsided, she looked up, at me.  Still, nothing.  So, I watched, again.  Those once sharp pains, didn't seem like anything anymore.  The jabs were like clock work, and were persistent.  I wondered if she felt anything anymore.  Maybe she had disappeared . . . I wanted her to disappear -- from the outside, just as she did on the inside.  Maybe then my hovering would fall into one.  And she'd move.  Watch me.  Feel something.  Or maybe she knew how to control it.  That moment.  Those minutes, which went on for too long.  Or just maybe, as her daze sunk in deeper, she fell further.  And maybe she wondered too --  why my eyes were open and yet I never saw it happening.  Because if I did, why didn't I catch her?

~Kyra C.

"Nowhere To Run"

Sitting and listening to Caleb and Sol's Nowhere To Run, and realizing how simple I always thought it was, to do just that.  It's amazing how many times this semester I've felt like running away . . . anywhere . . . although I knew there wasn't a real destination to go.  The fascination with trying to be everything and do everything, just won't release its hold upon me.  Learning how to cope with more regret, drama, and let down -- done by myself, is what pushes me -- that want to prove I can get to the other side.

And as Caleb and Sol's gutsy lyrics stir their way through my speakers, singing "there's nowhere to run to . . . nowhere to turn to . . . nowhere to run . . . nowhere to hide, and nowhere to go," I'm yet complicated with the notion to relieve myself from feeling as though I have any control over the matter at hand.  Even if I know my actions are because of the notions I choose to react from, I am still learning . . .

So, instead of reverting back to old habits, that I seemed to shake, until later in the semester -- alas, I will go for a run, to the gym, to the river, around the school . . . wherever there's a blank space, which can only come alive with deep understanding, made from taking in the peace that surrounds me, everyday.  I mustn't try and run from the evil around me . . . I mustn't try and control every move.  I need to just live.

Because, "there's nowhere to run to . . . nowhere to turn to . . . nowhere to run . . . nowhere to hide, and nowhere to go."  And I'm still learning . . .

~Kyra C.

"The Shame"

Sitting here, listening to Alex Cornish's "The Shame" and trying to figure out why with all of my upbeat energy, I always seem to fall into another dimension of numbness . . . Today should have been a great day, where everything had been taken care of  -- I would be relaxed and ready for tomorrow's big day.  But somehow things didn't go according to plan -- My plan.  And even now, I seem to have found myself changing the positive habits, for the old vices that use to keep me complacent.  In that moment where you don't want to smile, laugh . . . You just want to SCREAM, into a pillow, and feel like you're okay.

Tomorrow may be the big day, however I've had to make many decisions on what not to do and as much as it hurts, I cannot have the happiness that I really want.  I just need to settle on what could possibly turn into a happy moment -- Even if it's by isolating my subconscious and racing until the end.

I'm slowing down, running from the truth -- I can't really change this.  I can't really change me.  And why should I continue to try and force the inevitable? This just has to be the way;  My way.

~Kyra C.